Being a yaoi fangirl in a society like ours is like being that kid in school who likes j-rock when everyone else listens to hip-hop. You keep it to yourself, occasionally dropping hints here and there to see who would take the bait. And when someone does, and asks you what this thing is that you like so much, you either go on rants explaining it to them with utmost enthusiasm, or become secretive and close up because you sense the audience might not be receptive.
As a yaoi fan facing such a decision, the path you take most likely depends on what type of person you are and how much confidence you have in yourself looking different from the crowd. I for one never had a problem with that. In all of my life I had sung the odd tune and been proud of it, even enjoyed it. Yaoi isn’t much different than the rest of the strange interests and habits I acquired and dropped throughout my life. Well, maybe it is a little, but you get the idea.
So how does a girl (or a boy) fall into the rabbit hole called yaoi? I’m going to tell my tale of discovery. Perhaps you read and point at some parts saying, “Yeah, that’s exactly what I did too…”. Or perhaps you get bored and stop reading all together. I’m willing to take that risk too (told you I was different) so here it goes.
For me, it didn’t start with anime like it probably did for many other fans. As a matter of fact it was quite the reverse, i.e. I found yaoi first and that made me go back to watching anime for the first time after I had abandoned it for many years. How did I come across yaoi? Easily, through slash.
What is slash? It’s basically the same as yaoi only with TV series as a ground base instead of anime. The short version of the story is that in spring 2003 I used to frequent a lot of slash sites to look for fanfiction and image manipulations. During my browsing I occasionally came across this warning:“If you have anything against slash and yaoi or are offended by the idea of two males together, leave.”
Obviously I knew what slash was, but yaoi was a mystery. I kept wondering what this other thing was that kept getting bundled with my favorite topic. In order to find out I did what every reasonably sane, moderately experienced Internet user would do: I googled the word.
It opened my eyes to a whole new world. I fell right through the rabbit hole then and there and have not looked back
ever since.
I had become so crazily obsessed with seeing all these shows at any cost that at times, during those first initial days, I refused to leave my computer in fear of losing this or that auction on e-bay. That’s how I finally managed to get VCD versions of Ai no Kusabi and Boku no Sexual Harassment. Meanwhile my Kazaa was happily downloading everything with the Y-word in it: OVAs, images, music videos. Until eventually my metal detector hit on something called Yami no Matsuei.
It was because of an AMV I’m sure, the first Yami no Matsuei AMV I downloaded that featured a cheesy music by the Communards and clips of Tsuzuki, Muraki and Hisoka. Since it was edited in a way that made it more a MurakixHisoka video at first I wasn’t very thrilled. Only after I saw a second AMV (this one more generic with scenes of Muraki molesting Tsuzuki ) I once again went bunny hopping around the net, this time for something more specific. I was able to find the entire series on Kazaa albeit in bad quality. At the same time I began downloading the manga off of the Sakura-Crisis site – way before it was licensed and removed – and all of a sudden my yaoi mania was saddled with an additional obsession with Yami no Matsuei. Talk about loosing your mind.
Of course, as all Yaoi fangirls must have noticed at some point or another, RL (aka Real Life TM) always goes on outside our opium saturated sanctuaries while we go through the highs and lows of our fascinations. One weekend I remember going hiking with my friends for a full day when all I could think of was rushing back home to read the next chapter of Yami and twitching like a junkie in need of her dose. Another day I practically locked myself in my room, turning all the lights down while I watched the Kyoto arc in one perpetual sitting, tears streaming down my face at the end of episode 12 as Muraki spirited Tsuzuki away. Then came the day when I pretty much spent 6 hours straight in front of the computer searching for and reading M rated Yami no Matsuei fanfics. I remember feeling dizzy after finally peeling myself off of my computer chair at the end of the day. Don’t quite remember who wiped all the drool off of my keyboard.
I did eventually turn into a normal human being. Although my obsession with Yami and other yaoi titles never ended, I stopped acting like a crack addict after a while. A number of reasons that contributed to this were:
- Through Yami I started getting interested in anime in general, so I began to explore the whole spectrum of new anime series and eventually my interest evened out.
- I found friends who were also into anime and manga who showed me it was ok to like this stuff at the age of 28, and so I no longer felt the need to hide myself in my room while indulging in my hobby (although I still do that when I’m watching hardcore yaoi) .
- I began writing fanfiction again after the long break I had from it and that helped me come to terms with my mania and get some of the frustration out of me.
It’s been 3 years since. Hard to believe so much time has past since that first initial gasp of: “Oh my God! I can’t believe they turn this stuff we write in our fanfics into animation in Japan?” I am pleased to observe that the yaoi fanbase has grown since then. For the first time we hear about the subject on American TV, and there are panels devoted to it at conventions where there were none. Yaoi forums which before barely had over 200 members are now boasting numbers as high as 30000. Life is becoming better for the yaoi fangirl and fanboy.
I guess next time someone asks one of us what this crazy thing is we are so crazy about, all we have to do is to open a browser window, do a search and show them the hundreds of websites where the fans coexist like microscopic organisms. All my desktop images anywhere are yaoi themed and you would find me occasionally wearing a t-shirt that says “Yaoi – my anti drug.”
Do I miss the beginning? You bet I do. And if I had the power to wipe out all my memory of the wonderful yaoi shows, mangas and fanfics that I’ve watched and read throughout these years I would do it in an instant just to experience the pleasure and joy of discovering it all over again.
